HERE-YE, HERE-YE, ALL ORDER IN THE COURT! I now present the honorable (or not so much) Counselor Bloomie.
Please be seated.
Before the court today stand 7 men, who by their own accord, willfully admit to being part of a conspiracy to change professional baseball franchises on or before the July 31 non-waiver trade deadline. The charges will be read for each man individually.
ROY OSWALT – SP – Houston Astros
Charged with: Pitching for a bad team while earning a high salary. Verdict: Guilty. Disposition: The defendant is remanded to the custody of the Los Angeles Dodgers or Atlanta Braves. While the New York Metropolitans and Texas Rangers remain interested in adding depth to their respective pitching staffs, extenuating circumstances will prevent Oswalt from going to New York (see Cliff Lee and Jake Westbrook) or Dallas (inability to add payroll).
CLIFF LEE – SP – Seattle Mariners
Charged with: Pitching for a team that failed to perform to management’ expectations. Verdict: Guilty. Disposition: The defendant is remanded to the custody of the New York Mets, Minnesota Twins, or Cincinnati Reds. The court denies the defense objection that Mr. Lee be released to the custody of the New York Yankees on the basis that the Mets and Reds offers will not be contingent on signing Lee to a contract extension allowing Lee to sign with the Yankees as a free agent in 2011.
KOSUKE FUKADOME – OF – Chicago Cubs
Charged with: Being benched to created playing time for Tyler Colvin. Verdict: Hung Jury. Disposition: The defendant will remain under house arrest with the Chicago Cubs for the remainder of the 2010 season. Due to his diminishing skills and an inflated contract that extends through the 2011 season the court finds no other professional baseball team willing to trade for Mr. Fukadome unless Chicago agrees to pay a majority of his remaining salary. The San Diego Padres (see Scott Podsednik) and Boston Red Sox (see David DeJesus) have expressed interest.
KEVIN MILWOOD – SP – Baltimore Orioles
TY WIGGINGTON – UTL – Baltimore Orioles
Charged as repeat offender co-defendants. Verdict: Guilty. Disposition: The court has grown tired of Mr. Wiggington’s and Mr. Milwood’s annual appearance. Nevertheless, the court remands Mr. Wiggington to the custody of the Texas Rangers as a possible platoon player at 1B with the struggling Justin Smoak, the Minnesota Twins to replace Michael Cuddyer at 3B, or to the custody of the Colorado Rockies to fill the void created due to Troy Tulowitski’s wrist injury. As for Mr. Milwood, the court finds him serving time with the New York Mets in the event the Cliff Lee or Jake Westbrook deals fall through.
KANSAS CITY ROYALS ANNUAL 4th OF JULY FIRE SALE
Charged with: Being a small market team attempting to trade marginal talent for prospects. Verdict: Guilty. Disposition: In an effort to clear playing time for prospects Alex Gordon and Kila Ka'aihue the Royals will attempt to trade Scott Podsednik (linked to a San Diego team in desperate need of top of the line up speed), David DeJesus (linked to the Boston Red Sox as an upgrade to the often injured Mike Cameron and J.D. Drew), Brian Bannister (rumored to have the Cardinals interest) and Jose Guillen (no one interested but can’t blame the Royals front office for trying). In short, Podsednik goes, DeJesus goes, Bannister gets claimed off waivers, and Guillen stays put.
JAKE WESTBROOK – SP – Cleveland Indians
Charged with: The more appealing of the two trade commodities possessed by the Indians. Verdict: Innocent. Disposition: Mr. Westbrook and Kerry Wood appear to be the only bargaining chips for a Cleveland team stuck somewhere in the rebuilding process. Although Wood can’t seem to get anyone out anymore some team seeking to bolster their bullpen will trade for him. Both the Angels and Phillies could use options in the 7th and 8th innings. Mr. Westbrook, while rumored to be in a New York state of mind, will remain with the Indians as the Mets will either go all in for Cliff Lee or go cheap and trade for Kevin Milwood.
Court is adjourned.
